October 2010
30 posts
i have a really shitty personality in real life
it’s hard to act myself even around sarah who is my best friend
i really need room to grow but im kinda of stuck
i want to breakdown crying so bad right now
today has been thw orst but im at work and i fucking hate kids why am i here
that lullbaies video i cant even watch right now i probably wqill ater but as if i havent beaten myself up enough today im going to regret not going just like eveyr other fuckng tour i couldnt go to and i could have gone but NO I HAD FUCKING SCHOOL AND EXAMS AND
I WANT TO...
it’s unfair and i am selfish and all i want is a guy best friend again.
ethan wanted nothing to do with me after a year of being my best friend all he did was ignore me
and i already cried over losing that friendship a little over a week ago and i just miss it so much i miss having a best friend who was a guy i could tell anything and everything to and i wouldnt mind texting if needed...
i need to stop myself from liking him and thinking that once he knows lauren doesnt like him he’ll automatically like me cause thats NOT how it works and im STUPID and i need to stop myself before i fuck everything up for myself because no one is going to know
he barely knows anything about me we are only kind of friends. i blame ethan so much for this. the one guy that comes close to...
i miss them so much i wish i was seeing them today
i miss alex
even though he’s the biggest fucking fag i’ve seen
after they announced tour dates and they were coming to cleveland on a monday i was so upset i needed a break because every time i listened to them or even saw them i was reminded of that and it made me hate them
i still can’t listen to them
but i miss them
pussy-sailor:
mysluttyassistantdebbie:
...
carly keeps ignoring me. ive posted on her wall like 3 times but she wont even respond or talk to me on chat or anything.
i dont understand youre supposed to be one of my best friends and you havent talked to me since summer.
dont you miss me…….
how will i ever get out of this labyrinth?
this shouldbe on my proatce i dont fucking care i want to cut so bad rifght now just to take this pain away and ust FUCK
my dad and brother are fhere and hte smaller knives are dowbstairs and i M TIRED
every fucking week i maintain my composure
because it’s all ive got
and every fucking day i wake up and i look at this thing in the mirror and i have to force myself to be content with it
im really not okay
and i think ive done a very good job at fooling people
im just nothing i want to be and i cant just change that like O0O0 OPTIMISTIC POINT OF FUCKING VIEW ON SHITTY FUCKING LIFE...
i guess this is typical lonely teen feelings but i never fucking feel like this
it only gets me this bad every 3 or so months
i am so just cold and im not funny and i have no charatceristsic that anyone looks lfor and i am bland and grodss and no on wants ME
and whenevr i iike someone i become really i dont iknow the last perso ni liked whas ethan and he is a douchebag now and friday i...
you know that you are not alone
need you like water in my lungs
someone i blocked just liked that post.
go the FUCK away you creep
I HATE YOU
im so fucking tired of being lonely.
all the time.
i feel like a significant part of my stupid teenage life is being wasted by not having a boyfriend or just a cute guy friend i can hang out with
im not saying i need one
but isnt that part of growing up?
just the experience?
i guess not for me.
and i cant stop fighting the urge to cry over this but just something is missing in me and i dont know if it’s myself or… i dont know
...
cause you know what...I'm not..doing well. Life...
“We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think...”
–
John Green, Looking for Alaska (220)
The ones depressed don’t dress in black. The ones...
today in physical science
we were watching this movie thing about the periodic table and the elements and stuff and then like idek
they started talking about depression and all the symptoms and it felt like they talked about it for 5 minutes straight and it made me feel so horrible and just… sad. it just reminded me that i have it, but no one has diagnosed me. i really want to be diagnosed if i do still have it,...
we’ve come to realize that standing in a crowd of...
that anon on my main blog
how dare you say something about losing my friends they are my BEST FRIENDS and tumblr would never be the same without them
i love them even if they dont love me
they are part of the reason im still alive
dont say anything about my friends
say anything you want about me but dont say SHIT about my friends
September 2010
11 posts
2 tags
When I got tired of running from you I stopped right there to catch my breath There your words they caught my ears You said, “I miss you son. Come home” And my sins, they watched me leave And in my heart I so believed The love you felt for me was more than The love I’d wished for all this time And when the doors were closed I heard no I told you so’s I said the words I...
This isn't meant to offend anyone.
jalexlikesthrust:
But sometimes I see things on here where people are saying they battle depression, or are so depressed and stuff. And I know some of you are. And I don’t know anyone on here’s life, so I’m not one to judge, but I want you all to know.
Depression isn’t just being sad over little trivial things like your friend forgot to call you, or you couldn’t get a new pair of shoes.
...
I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m...
17022.) I feel like such a loser. I have no life....
I wish my mom would stop being in denial I have depression
just because I’m not medicated doest mean it’s not there
I’d LIKE to be medicated but no one has diagnosed me but what else is this supposed to be? “a rough time” no not really finding comfort in things that hurt you isn’t exactly just a “rough time” fuck I just want to be diagnosed
i dont even care.
this is going to sound naive
but i need to get away from here. i need to break free from this place. everything here is holding me back. i cant be myself in school. i cover up as much about myself as possible. i try not to wear band shirts and i dont wear any of my band bracelets anymore. its dumb, i know. but i dont like people to know about me, its weird. im going to wear my versaemerge and...
Warped and Twisted
Harsh words & violent blows Hidden secrets nobody knows Eyes are open, hands are fisted Deep inside I’m warped & twisted So many tricks & so many lies Too many whens & too many whys Nobody’s special, nobody’s gifted I’m just me, warped & twisted Sleeping awake & choking on a dream Listening loudly to a silent scream Call my mind, the number’s...
1 tag
Divorce
Silently creeping up Ripping hearts and lives apart, seam by seam Why does god hate me What did I do wrong Hell on earth Forced to take sides Crying when there once was laughter Depression takes place of happiness Pain eats away at you, slowly killing you Lies are part of daily life Manipulation tears families apart Leaving empty feelings unable to be filled Changing lives for the worse Parents...
Absolutely Nothing
Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it ‘Chops’ because that was the name of his dog And that’s what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his...
eternal sleep, what’s it feel like? or does it not feel at all? lately I’ve been thinking of death and if it feels. does the reaper steal your body and let your soul free or are you forever trapped in a rotting corpse? we spend our entire lives trying to get out of places and situations; always running in many directions at once. sometimes too many for us to handle but is it even worth...
August 2010
4 posts
(i wrote this after my first day of school so ok.)
even the caffeine in my soda is slowing me down. im on my edge and it hasnt been a week. how can i already be so down? things will get better, things wont get better. like a hyper child on a rocking chair; im out of control. going back and forth, over and over. and when will i get a yellow light? everything is stop and go when can i slow? the...
so disconnect me like your fucked up internet and...
have you ever thought about the routine of every day life. it’s not smooth and it’s not easy. the sheets we sleep on know our every emotion. the threads absorb your scent and the pillows hide your tears. everything we wake up to is soaked to the core with feelings. whether you wake up to the abuse walking out your front door on their way to work or the repetitive annoyance that reminds...
venominmyveins- replied to your post: easier said than done.
maybe if you weren’t so negative all the time it wouldn’t be like that
July 2010
10 posts
i wont be able to sleep if i dont talk about this. i really want to tell my mom whats wrong with me but i dont know how to go about it and having relatives here doesnt help me at all. my cousin is still here and my aunt is coming up friday and i dont want to wait anymore. i want them to go home.
im so scared to go to a therapist though. i dont want to see anyone, i just want the medication. is...
“Surrounded by the best, but something’s always just out of reach. Chase it. Run harder than you’ve ever run.”
i’m sorry to disappoint but i am going nowhere. my feet are chained and i would run if i could but it all seems like a wasted effort.
and for once, my hero made me feel worse. because im still the flightless bird and all my other stupid analogies for my...
oh my god okay im smiling so much just because i came back from what im about to tell you and theres gaskarth all over my dash and he makes me smile so much this is stupid but just seeing his face makes me happy.
okay so what happened.
well my dad wanted to talk to me outside and what he told is that there is something wrong with me and that im cold and distant. and like my uncle died about 5...
i am a fool trapped in a simple, escapable cave. i enjoy the comfort in darkness and do not wish to appear in the light. in light, flaws are visible and esteems are crushed like the orange used for its juice. however; if we are never crushed how are we to be made into something new? it’s almost inevitable to be broken down enough to pick and build yourself up into something different.
...
my mind is just not a safe place anymore.
like i have finally convinced myself.