i wont be able to sleep if i dont talk about this. i really want to tell my mom whats wrong with me but i dont know how to go about it and having relatives here doesnt help me at all. my cousin is still here and my aunt is coming up friday and i dont want to wait anymore. i want them to go home. 

im so scared to go to a therapist though. i dont want to see anyone, i just want the medication. is that bad? i just want these feelings to go away. im listening to therapy and im crying just thinking about having to tell a stranger what goes on in my mind because thats the only thing i have to myself anymore. im going to need help before school. im so scared. guys i am just so fucking scared. im just sitting here crying i feel so hopeless. and i hate my dad for knowing theres something wrong, i hate that he knows. he wants to help me but i dont want to talk to him about it because i dont trust him anymore. i trust my mom but i dont think she’ll understand. she thinks im happy and she’ll be so confused and upset. i feel like she’ll be disappointed in me. i feel like she’s always disappointed even when she tells me she isnt. especially with school, i feel like such a failure with school even when she tells me she’s still proud of me. i cant shake it, i just cant. 

im so afraid. i just want something to understand and something thats gives me hope and somethings that makes these feelings go away.